Spit Happens

I went on a smoke break at work earlier and a coworker was already outside. He wasn’t smoking, so I’m not entirely sure why he went outside, but while I was smoking I noticed he kept leaning over and spitting. He’s 18, and I don’t think that matters much, except I attribute a spitting habit to someone more adolescent. Like, I used to have a spitting habit when I was 9. Then I stopped when I realized it was ugly, disgusting, and it served absolutely no purpose.

At my last job there was a manager who was in his mid-20s who spit constantly. There would be puddles of his spit in front of whatever bench he was sitting on at the smoking spot outside. Puddles. And he could have spit in the grass next to the area, which was right next to where he usually sat, but instead he would spit between his feet, on the concrete. And unless it was raining, his puddles would typically stay there for the entire day.

What’s wrong with spit? What’s the purpose in spitting? Your saliva is GOOD FOR YOU. It helps you digest things you consume. It helps to keep your system regular. You need it in your life. So why get rid of it?

As if there could be anybody worse than spitters, it turns out there can, and are. How about those ignorant fuckers who don’t finish the last drink of a beer because it’s “nothing but spit?”

How terrible are you at drinking if you have that much backwash in your drink? When I drink, the stuff I pour into my mouth gets swallowed. I don’t let it go back into the container it came from. Because that’s how you drink. If you’re only drinking a fraction of the liquid you pour into your mouth, you’re doing it wrong, and if you’re doing THAT wrong, you should question everything else you do in life.

Second, that last swig of beer IS BEER. Even if it does contain some of your spit, it is still beer by a vast majority. I’m sure of it. Not drinking that is a waste. A waste of beer. Party foul. You’re a loser.

Hey dipshit, every time you swallow anything you consume, you’re also swallowing your own spit. Each and every time. If you’re that terrified of drinking your own spit, you should never consume anything, ever. No food or drinks, no candy or beer. Nothing. Then you’ll have to put one of those dentist tubes in your mouth to suck out all of the spit your body makes, and hang upside down permanently so that there’s no chance of ever swallowing your spit.

If you drank 98% of that beer, you also drank your own spit the entire time. Giving up on that last sip of beer is just giving up on beer, you quitter.

Hey, do you finish anything else you drink? Of every person I’ve ever met who doesn’t finish a beer because it’s fictitiously all spit, none of them had any issues finishing anything else they drank. So apparently it’s just beer they have a problem with, which is stupid. Sorry to harp on that point, because this is all fucking stupid.

How about you stop drinking beer altogether. No? Stop being difficult and stupid. I can only handle one or the other at a time.

You’re disgusting and you sicken me.

If you’re a teenager or older, you’re too old to be spitting for the hell of it. It doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look like a fuck. And if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t finish a beer because it is mostly, allegedly, your own fucking spit, don’t be surprised if you get smacked by someone near you who has more than half a brain cell left working in their head.


About Matt Roberts

I am an author of horror and things near it. I enjoy nightmares and bad B horror flicks.
This entry was posted in General Chatter and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Spit Happens

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    Very few things are more disgusting than hopscotching around spit loogies. My shoes don’t need to come into contact with that shpit hybrid. Gross! First rate rant, Matt.


Speak, Earthling!

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