Getting Your Hair Did

I’ve seen some unusual ways to cut hair recently, from fire to swords to hatchets. While they all look cool, I can’t help but think that there’s a tried and true way to do it, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Scissors and clippers have come this far for a reason.

As with all things side-show, there isn’t just one person doing it. As it turns out, using fire to “cut” hair is a thing that a lot of people do. I can only imagine the smell in the place. Then again I once went into a barber shop as a kid and the place reeked of chemicals, and it was hard to breathe. That’s probably why I’ve never gone to a barber shop to get my hair cut. I don’t know if that’s normal or if they had a chemical spill or what. But it sucked. I’m sure not nearly as much as smelling burned hair.

What happens when they’re done? Usually when you cut hair you later sweep it up off the floor. Do they go around scraping all of the dried wax off the floor?

Speaking of using fire, some people use it as well as other terrible ideas to cut hair, like swords.

Finger scissors? No thanks. Fuck the mathematical, I’ll let all my sides be slightly off. I don’t need you to put on a show for everybody watching while barely cutting my hair with broadswords. NO THANKS.

“Dude, mathematically speaking, your hair isn’t even on both sides. One side is off by .00001 of an inch. I mean, I can only tell while looking through this microscope, but it’s not even! You should’ve gotten your hair cut with swords.”

I’m 100% positive that conversation never happened, ever.

I discovered this method while looking for other methods I knew about. Apparently this way is rare, thank the heavens, because the end results look fucking terrible. They should’ve got their hair cut with swords.

This last way, and I say last because I just can’t stand to watch this shit anymore, is with an axe. I saw one video where a guy was shaving his own face with an axe, and the headline said “When a razor just won’t do.” When, exactly, is that? There might be things in this world sharper than a razor, but one of them will absolutely never be an axe. I’m sure of it. Also, what could’ve been a quick job turned into a half a day job because the guy had to maneuver the axe around his face carefully, in order to not chop it off. And because the axe isn’t as sharp as a razor, he had to do small sections of his face at a time, and go over his work multiple times. Metal? Yup. Hardcore? Yup. Effective? El. Oh. El.

I could only find this on Facebook. There are other videos on YouTube of people getting their hair cut this way, but this is the one I wanted to show for no particular reason, other than the video is just the video. The ones on YouTube have annoyingly long opening credits and ending credits and all that unnecessary bullshit. I don’t know if you have to be logged in to Facebook to view this, but I couldn’t embed it here.

I also saw some videos of people using cleavers and hammers. I can’t help but think this is just for showing off. I’m probably wrong, but that’s how it comes off to me. Because there are easier, more effective ways to cut hair. Like with scissors and clippers. You know, like 99% of the rest of the world does it.

If you want to be creative, how about you step up your game and pull of some Rob The Original type shit? He can cut into your hair damn near anything you can think of, like in this video where he does The Last Supper. And guess what he uses to do it. It sure as hell isn’t a fucking axe.

I guess the bottom line here is, if you fuck up with scissors or clippers, you get a patch in your hair. If you fuck up with any of these methods, you get maimed or dead. Fuck all that noise. Keep the hatchet away from my head.

Sure, novelty acts are cool, but that’s only if the performer is the one whose life is in jeopardy.

I think the only novelty way of getting my hair did is when they start using lasers. That’s when I’ll get in line. When they use frickin lasers.


About Matt Roberts

I am an author of horror and things near it. I enjoy nightmares and bad B horror flicks.
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