Terrible Commercials: The Addiction Network

The one problem with watching a small, nothing of a TV station is, the commercials are often very cheap, very annoying, and played constantly because that station is the only one they can afford to advertise on. And the station doesn’t get a lot of traffic, so no bigger names will advertise on it. What you get is three commercial breaks every half hour where you see the same 4 or 5 commercials for years at a time.

Out of those commercials, sometimes, comes one that rules them all. The one that is so terrible, that people love it for being so terrible, so that advertiser thinks the people want more of it, so they make more and more terrible commercials. It is almost a decent show in and of itself, because everybody is always wondering just how bad can they get? Each new installment is met with wide, staring eyes, and bated breath.

That’s how J.G. Wentworth got famous. Not that it’s needed, but I’ll have a post on them one day.

From the very first moment I saw this commercial, I was floored. It only took once. The guy “acting” in this is just phenomenal at being terrible. If overacting got an award, this guy should win it year after year.

Not to mention his awesome costume. I mean, he’s wearing surgical scrubs.

He’s supposed to be a nurse, or a doctor, so we’re supposed to trust what it is he has to say. He’s got that stethoscope hanging around his neck, and what looks like his employee badge that will prove who he is should he happen to show up on the wrong wing of the hospital where all the government patients are. You still don’t have access, buddy.

I don’t think the stethoscopes are needed for dealing with addicts, but they’re definitely needed for filming this commercial. The camera might stop working and he can use the stethoscope to listen to it to see what mechanism isn’t working. If anybody questions his ability to analyze, detect, or fix the camera, he can just hold out his badge and claim it’s all good because he’s a nurse at an addiction network, ala Dumb And Dumber.

“It’s okay! I’m a douchebag!”

I watch this station, LAFF, because it shows blocks of some of my favorite shows from years ago. So in a 2 hour stretch I can watch 4 episodes of Roseanne, or Night Court, or The Drew Carey Show, and I can also see this fucking commercial 12 times.

Lucky me, it became a hit, and they made more commercials. Different people playing different roles, almost all of the commercials using the exact same script. One has a lady who looks like she’s probably the front desk receptionist at The Addiction Network, and then an older man wearing the same outfit as the previous guy, except with a white coat, so we know he’s a real doctor. In this one, the original guy says a couple different things, which makes it stand out from every other commercial this company has done. And they’ve done plenty of commercials.

In the first commercial he said “We are The Addiction Network.” In this one he announces, “You know me. I’m The Addiction Network.”

He’s now famous for these commercials, so instead of working with or for T.A.N., he is now himself T.A.N. He’s the entire network. He’s a celebrity.

People see him on the street and say, “Hey! You’re The Addiction Network guy!” And he would just say, “Fuck yeah I am!” Nobody would recognize him if he got on here and said, “You know me. I’m Tad.”

Instead, he’s T.A.N.

So now that we know who he is, the mystery is over.

At least in this one he’s less stick-shoved-up-the-ass and more natural. He’s probably high. I’d have to be high to do this commercial. Whatever it is, they’re not paying him enough.

Hell, maybe he IS actually a nurse. I’d believe that over actor. We’re not going to see him in any box office blockbusters, or even box office failures that turn into underground cult classics. He is NOT Killer Klowns From Outer Space worthy.

I mean really, who is, amirite?

Although if he is actually a nurse he’s probably a bad one if he thinks he needs surgical scrubs and a stethoscope to deal with addicts.

By all means, if you have an addiction to anything besides reading my awesome blog, go get help. Nobody wants you to die, or worse, hurt others. That’s from the commercial’s script. Apparently hurting others is worse than killing yourself. I disagree.

Get help for yourself because YOU ARE WORTH IT! You have to learn to love yourself enough to keep yourself away from your addiction. You’re better than it is, and you’re worth living without it. You can do it.

Just stop watching these commercials. All of you, not just those of you who are addicts. These commercials are enough to get you hooked on some sort of drugs.


About Matt Roberts

I am an author of horror and things near it. I enjoy nightmares and bad B horror flicks.
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5 Responses to Terrible Commercials: The Addiction Network

  1. Arionis says:

    Ha! Maybe Tosh can give him a web redemption. Our local douchebag commercial guy is an ambulance chasing lawyer named Lowell “The Hammer” Stanley.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Matt Roberts says:

        OMG so, this dude here reminds me of a local guy we got. He’s Blake “The Attorney” Maislin, and he often has commercials with himself wearing boxing gloves and jumping around in a ring while wearing a suit. So billboards all over town show his name, phone number, and a pair of boxing gloves. Not his face, just boxing gloves. I guess you only call him if you were in some boxing legal dispute. Speaking of phone numbers, his is 444-4444 and the theme song he has is some dude singing the phone number over and over. It’s so terrible… I secretly want to make an hour long version of the song just to drive someone crazy. Namely my wife.


  2. joey says:

    I feel terrible LOLing, but OMG so LOL. “Someone dies, or worse, hurts others.” ROFL! “I am The Addiction Network.” *snort*
    Worst commercials top ten, surely. People need help, so if it works, great, but oh so cheesy.

    Liked by 1 person

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