I Hate Bon Jovi

I was driving home just now, listening to the most awesome classic rock, when all of a sudden the station I was listening to decided to play Bon Jovi. It made me realize just how much I hate him. More importantly, that particular song. It made me turn the radio off. I didn’t just change the channel, I turned it off.

The song is Wanted Dead Or Alive. First of all Jon, no you’re not. If you were, somebody would’ve killed you years ago. If not, I would have, just to keep you out of music. The bounty would’ve been an added bonus.

Here’s a link to the song, because I’m not turning my blog into trash by posting the video. Just posting a link is bad enough.

Never mind the stupid title, let’s talk about his references. He’s suggesting he’s a cowboy. No Jon, no the fuck you’re not. You’re from New Jersey. Nobody in New Jersey is a cowboy. I’m sure of it. The air quality alone in New Jersey is bad enough that livestock isn’t allowed anywhere in the state.

He says he rides a steel horse. It’s called a motorcycle, Jon. A fucking motorcycle. They have a culture surrounding them, just like cowboys do. Would you say, if you were an actual cowboy, that you ride a flesh and blood motorcycle? No, you fucking wouldn’t, cause it sounds stupid. Just like steel horse. It’s not clever. It’s dumb. You’re dumb. Stop singing this song, or change the lyrics.

“I’m not a cowboy
On a motorcycle I ride
I’m not wanted at all
Because I obey the law”

Are you a fan of Bon Jovi? Do you sing his songs at karaoke night? You should use those lyrics next time, because they’re more suited to him and his actual lifestyle.

Since you’re not a real cowboy, stop wearing cowboy hats, douche. Cowboy hats belong in rock music like frogs belong in church. It could happen, but it never, ever should.

You look like a fuck.

This brings about the fact that I hate Ted Nugent. He has literally two songs I like, and Cat Scratch Fever isn’t one of them. Cowboy hats don’t belong in rock. Ted Douchent. That’s his new name.

The ONLY person in rock who was allowed to wear a cowboy hat was Lemmy, and that’s because he was fucking LEMMY. Even though he’s dead he’ll still kick your ass.

“Fuck you, Jon.”

I wouldn’t have a problem with his steel horse line if he were actually talking about a robot horse. That would’ve not only been badass, but it would’ve been super futuristic back in 1986. Jon, if you rode around on a fucking robot horse, I would suck your balls because then and ONLY THEN would you have been a bad ass. I would’ve been a fan and I would’ve said “YES! TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR STEEL HORSE, COWBOY!” But no. No robot, just a fucking regular ass motorcycle. But knowing you, Jon, I bet it was a crotch rocket. Something extremely un-cowboy.

Actually it was probably a moped or some shit.

A Huffy. HA! He was riding a bicycle. Jackass.

The worst though? He was the soundtrack for Young Guns 2. The movie itself is completely badass, but all through the whole damn thing is Jon’s musical taint sweat. Thanks for making a mockery out of one of the greatest movie franchises of all time. Billy The Kid is spinning in his fucking grave.


About Matt Roberts

I am an author of horror and things near it. I enjoy nightmares and bad B horror flicks.
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2 Responses to I Hate Bon Jovi

  1. joey says:

    LUST became a thing when I saw Jon on Mtv, and I haven’t stopped…
    I really like his music.
    Don’t hate me for loving him.

    Liked by 1 person

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