Spit Happens

I went on a smoke break at work earlier and a coworker was already outside. He wasn’t smoking, so I’m not entirely sure why he went outside, but while I was smoking I noticed he kept leaning over and spitting. He’s 18, and I don’t think that matters much, except I attribute a spitting habit to someone more adolescent. Like, I used to have a spitting habit when I was 9. Then I stopped when I realized it was ugly, disgusting, and it served absolutely no purpose.

At my last job there was a manager who was in his mid-20s who spit constantly. There would be puddles of his spit in front of whatever bench he was sitting on at the smoking spot outside. Puddles. And he could have spit in the grass next to the area, which was right next to where he usually sat, but instead he would spit between his feet, on the concrete. And unless it was raining, his puddles would typically stay there for the entire day.

What’s wrong with spit? What’s the purpose in spitting? Your saliva is GOOD FOR YOU. It helps you digest things you consume. It helps to keep your system regular. You need it in your life. So why get rid of it?

As if there could be anybody worse than spitters, it turns out there can, and are. How about those ignorant fuckers who don’t finish the last drink of a beer because it’s “nothing but spit?”

How terrible are you at drinking if you have that much backwash in your drink? When I drink, the stuff I pour into my mouth gets swallowed. I don’t let it go back into the container it came from. Because that’s how you drink. If you’re only drinking a fraction of the liquid you pour into your mouth, you’re doing it wrong, and if you’re doing THAT wrong, you should question everything else you do in life.
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Terrible Commercials: Million Dollar Smile

Every now and then us television viewers are treated to some pretty cool commercials, but all too often, we’re bombarded with the worst of the worst. Commercials that for whatever reason, someone wrote, and someone else said “Yeah, that’s good.”

Most commercials are bad, these are terrible. You’ll typically find these terrible commercials on TV stations that aren’t very popular, or new stations. Late night is a good time to see them on any channel.

Lately I’ve been watching Laff TV, and they’re chock full of terrible commercials. Just that station alone guarantees me at least 5 posts on this subject. Here’s the first. I really want to go off on this, but I think the commercial speaks for itself.

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Redd And Xiba

Our miniature pinscher, Redd, hasn’t been comfortable around other dogs since we had Angus put down. Not so much that he freaks out, he just doesn’t really acknowledge them. Even if they want to play, his cold shoulder is out. He didn’t care to be around either of my moms dogs, but as soon as we got a new neighbor, Andrew, who will get his own post here soon, Redd was in love with the new neighbor dog, Xiba. She’s a cutie, too. She’s an Australian Cattle Dog, so she’s quite bigger than Redd is, but she is about the same size Angus was.

The two of them play like crazy outside, until they’re both out of breath and ready for a nap.

Well lately, Redd has had an interest in licking up female dog pee from the ground. Then he foams at the mouth, gets an upset stomach, and doesn’t eat his food. He’s starting to look sickly. I should probably take him to the vet or something.

Anyway, he’s got this new habit of going into the new neighbor’s yard and sniffing around for where Xiba has done her business. Then he licks at it, marks his territory, then goes off to find another. We yell at him as he’s heading that way so that he doesn’t get into the yard, and so far he’s been good for listening when we catch him before hand.

But if he makes it to the yard, forget about it. He’s dying and Xiba’s piss is the antidote.
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What’s With Today, Today?

I woke up at 6:30 this morning to go get the wife from work.

For the first time in a long time, when I cashed my check I kept it cash. I’m not used to carrying cash, and I never put any in my wallet. Instead, I left it all next to the door where I keep all of my crap for leaving the house. I knew I needed to get gas this morning, so as I was putting my shoes on I looked at the money and thought to grab some before I left. Then I realized I was about to leave the house in shorts, and it’s freezing outside, so I kicked my shoes off and went to put some pants on. Then I left the house with no money.

Not ten minutes later I’m getting on the highway and my car started beeping. I’m unfamiliar with these beeps, but they sounded like some national weather alert beeps. No lights popped on on the dash, no messages came up, nothing happened other than the car was beeping. It scared the shit out of me, so I pulled over just after getting on the highway. Once stopped, the beeping stopped. It could’ve been me stopping or good timing, but when I started driving again, the beeping started again. After a few rounds, they stopped and never happened again.

A few miles up the road I was almost in a crash that would’ve killed someone. For some reason in that particular spot, every morning, there’s almost a wreck. Because people don’t know how to merge onto a highway, and nobody else knows how to drive.

I got the wife from work and headed home to get money so we could go get something to eat. Our options were White Castle, or Frisch’s, because that’s what the wife said. Those are the closest places to us that are open at this time of morning where we can get food other than breakfast food. She settled on Frisch’s, so we went there.
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What They Be Doin’ Now? Harvey Danger

Another one of my regular topics on the old Beefy blog was about 90s bands and what they’ve been up to lately, if anything.

This is one of those 90s bands that was very popular for a short period. One of the one hit wonders. If you don’t remember them, chances are you’ve heard the song, if alt rock is in your playlist.

I loved this song so much when it came out in 1997 that I bought the album it was on, Where Have All The Merrymakers Gone?, and listened to it once. This song was, for me, the only good one on the album. Still though, I loved this song.

I was driving the other day and this song popped up on my iPod. Suddenly I wondered to myself, now just what in the hell are they be doin’ up to now?
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Me, Myself, And Beefy

I’m only really writing this because there are some people I know who never got the Beefy side of me. And I feel as if maybe I should lay it all out there.

Back when I was in school for broadcasting, I interned at a local radio station which happens to be one of the biggest in the world, 700 WLW. Their tower is the strongest in the world, and since regulations happened they only turn it up a small fraction of the way for normal broadcasting. Once a year they fire it up all the way to make sure it still works, and it does. It’s so powerful that when it’s on all the way, the broadcast can be heard around the world. I heard some people say when they were in Vietnam, on some nights they could tune their radios in to WLW to listen to Reds games. That’s some serious power.

Anyway, I interned for Gary Burbank, who is a huge name in talk radio. Well, he was when he was around. He finally retired a few years back. But because he was such a huge radio guy, and WLW was such a huge station, they had a ton of interns all the time. Gary could never remember all of the names of the interns, so he would give them all nicknames, because he could remember those. And because he was into food (he once had a restaurant called Burbank’s that served awesome food), and I’m a fat guy, he nicknamed me Beefy Bouillon. Because I never wanted to spell “bouillon,” I changed the spelling to “Booyawn.”

He told me that usually the names stick, and mine did. A short while later I finally got my first computer, fully equipped with AOL dialup internet. I needed a handle, and I remembered the nickname, so I became Beefybooyawn. That was somewhere around 2001, 2002.

Shortly after, I discovered I could build my own cheap website, so I did just because I wanted one. Not because I had anything to put on it, but because I was new to the internet thing and I wanted to learn and do it all. It was around that time that I discovered The Best Page In The Universe, discovered that websites could be used for bitching, and so I started writing my own pieces about stuff that pissed me off.

When I got through all of the things that actually pissed me off, I needed more to write about, so I started looking for stupid shit to bitch about. The more I looked, the more I saw, the more I got pissed. It was literally me looking for stupid shit that pissed me off, that got me into hating everything legitimately. If I had never started that site or writing about things that made me mad, I probably wouldn’t be such a cynical asshole now. Funny, I did this to myself. Well, somewhat. Actually interacting with people would have eventually turned me into an asshole, but it would’ve taken a bit longer probably.
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Awesome Animals: Garter Snakes

Here’s another thing I did back at the old Beefy blog. I’ve written on the Kill Deer, Skinks, and other cool shit.

This one popped up today when I let my dog out before I went to work. I was about to sit down in my chair when I noticed three garter snakes hanging out on my little table. I didn’t want to scare them away, so I stood on the other side of my chair and got two pictures. They weren’t moving much when I took the first picture. I looked away for a second and turned back to see just the one hanging out. He kept raising his head in my direction and flicked his tongue a few times. He tried to get on my chair, but I had to leave for work and Redd was done doing his business. I don’t know if he made the chair.

Anyway, these guys are awesome. They’re not poisonous, and they do bite, but not hard. It’s a nice pinch, though. They used to be everywhere here when I was a kid, but they’ve all moved on since. Every year I see one or two, but it has been a real long time since I’ve seen three hanging out together.

And then I thought, it’s even stranger that I’m seeing them IN FEBRUARY. It was almost 80 degrees here today. Damn, those poor guys are probably going to freeze tomorrow, when it’s supposed to be in the upper 30s. Gotta love that Ohio weather.



I’m guessing they noticed the top of the table was warm and crawled up there. That’s a first for me, seeing them on that table.
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Paying It Forward

Do any of you do this? Or have you? The kind I’m talking about is when you pay for the person’s order who’s next in line behind you. I know there are many different ways to pay it forward, and I’d really like to hear all of those stories. I’ve only got this kind to share for now.

I’ve had people do this to me before, and damn is it a good feeling. To know that there are still decent people in the world. It’s the same feeling I get when I hear of people doing good for other people, or doing good for animals, or for the environment. Those types of things should be the norm, all over the world, all the time. But they’re not. So maybe that’s why those kinds of stories make me warm and happy. That, or I’ve just got so much hate in me that any amount of good I get is like, sucked up quickly by my body, because it’s so thirsty for good.

Every now and then if I have a few extra dollars I’ll pay for the order behind me. I can only hope they continue the gesture, but that’s not why I do it. I do it because it makes me feel good to be nice. As I said, I really am trying to be a better person. It’s hard, though. Baby steps.

Well, tonight, my wife and I stopped at a McDonald’s on her way to work so she could get something for her lunch later and I could get something to eat for the first time since 8 am (this was at 10:45 pm). We had $7 and some change left on our card. Our order was just over $6. The guy swiped our card and said to me that it only had $1.98 on it. I didn’t have the extra cash in hand to cover the rest, so I told him to just forget it.
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No Ice

I drink a lot, when I’m drinking. Not just alcohol, but anything. If it’s good, I want to drink it. Back when I drank beer, I drank a lot, for that reason. That lead to my liver being shot at 32. When I drank pop (or soda, to some of you jackals) I drank a lot. Which is what lead to me being diabetic. But, I love water, and when I’m drinking it I drink a lot of it. That’s a good thing. After I found out I was diabetic in October of 2016, I stopped drinking pop, drank more water and unsweetened tea, and I lost weight immediately. I was also off of insulin by December of 2016.

The point is, I drink a lot of whatever I’m drinking. I love to drink. If I could survive on just drinking, I would.

Because of this, I have no time for things to get in my way, such as ice. Chances are very good that whatever I’m drinking is going to be cold when I pour it in my cup. And it’s not going to last long enough to get warm. So why put ice in it? That’s just taking away from the amount of liquid I could potentially drink.

I bring all of this up only to fill space. I guess some of it was educational and important to the story. Anyway, when I go out to eat and I order a drink with no ice, it’s because I DON’T WANT ANY FUCKING ICE. The problem is, that’s one of those things that quickly turns into a reflex. People in the food industry get so many drinks for so many people, and the vast majority of those drinks has ice. All it would take from me ordering no ice to them getting my drink, is one extra thing to come into their world and distract them from the motion of putting ice in the cup. Just a fly buzzing by their head would do it.

Tonight I ordered no ice. I got ice. I handed the cup back to the guy and said I wanted no ice. Like 99% of the people I have this conversation with, he looked put out by it. I’m sure these people are thinking either “what the fuck” or “this motherfucker didn’t order no ice.” The latter gets backed up by my order, where they go to look and see if it says “no ice” on the order, and usually it doesn’t because they don’t put it on the order when I say it. Probably because they think they’ll remember to get me no ice so they don’t put it on the order. And then that fly goes by…
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Great Commercials: Unicorn Gold

For those of you who are new to me, this is something I did at my old Beefy blog. I find most commercials to be absolutely fucking terrible, which makes the good ones that much more awesome. I like to share the good ones.

This one is new to me, but it’s an old favorite, if that makes sense. I posted about the Squatty Potty on the Beefy blog, and by all means, you should check that one out. Holy crap (yeah) is it awesome.

Here’s a new product by the same people, called Unicorn Gold. Well, it may not be new, but it’s new to me. The commercial for it, featuring our favorite unicorn and narrator, is just as entertaining as the Squatty Potty.

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