Women I Want To Find Hot (But Can’t)

I love women. That’s the guy coming out in me. So when I see a woman, I typically think first and foremost, “is she hot?” I don’t know why that is. It’s not like I can do anything about it. I’m happily married and besides, if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t do anything about it anyway. I’m not an “approach a woman” type of guy. I never was. Even still, I see a woman and I immediately think to myself if she’s hot or not.

And somewhere in between the lines of hot and not, are those women whom I’d like to find attractive for whatever reason, but somehow can’t. There’s not always an explanation for why that is, either. Usually there isn’t one, actually. For whatever reason, I just can’t. Here’s some of them that I can recall right now.

FLO FROM PROGRESSIVE

You know Flo, everyone does. She’s been the spokesperson for Progressive Insurance for like a decade now.

She’s cute, and in some commercials she’s even funny. She’s almost never annoying like that fucking guy they’re trying to replace her with, Jamie, or whatever his name is. And for whatever reason there is, I want to find her attractive, because I do believe she’s a kind of gal I could fall for. Yet for some reason, and I have no idea what it is, I just can’t find her attractive.

Again, I’m not sure why I want to find her attractive, I’m only guessing it’s because she’s one of my kind of women. But there’s something there, or maybe there’s something that isn’t there, and I just can’t find her attractive.

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Terrible Commercials: Domino’s – Dinner Bell

Domino’s, you may have tasty food, but your commercial is fucking stupid. Let me correct that. Your commercial is DUMB!

I’m sure the bell is supposed to be saying “DOM!” for “Domino’s,” but it sounds like “DUMB!” and quite frankly, I think it is. But I can’t believe nobody at Domino’s thought the same thing. I can’t believe nobody heard that and thought “Hey, this sounds too close to “dumb” so maybe we should change it or not do it at all.”

Dumb.

Live Friday Nights: Queen – Bohemian Rhapsody

The great Queen. They will rock you.

Stop Refusing Change

If you’ve been around the internet for the last year alone, I’m sure you’ve seen new words and phrases coming into existence. “Fam” or “lit” or “squad” are just some of the “hip” new words to say. And they all have definitions. They all mean something. It’s just this generation’s way of putting some life into their vocabulary and creating something. Every generation has done it, and every generation will continue to do it.

But what bothers me are those people who try to keep this from happening, or complain about it happening. I used to be one of those people, until I embraced the change recently. I might as well, I’d rather know what the future generations are talking about instead of being in the dark and smiling blankly as everyone around me understands everyone else around me.

I understand not wanting things to change. I grew up in the 90s and would love for the 90s to be back here again. If I could time travel, that’s where I’d go hang out. But we have to embrace the future because it’s going to happen whether we do or not. So we might as well stop living in the past and hold on for dear life as the future washes over us.

So you don’t have to know what “on fleek” means, but wouldn’t it be better if when your kid talks to you you have the slightest idea of what they’re saying? Just because the words are new doesn’t mean you can’t learn them. We learn something new every day, right? Well, learn these new words and phrases. You don’t have to say them. As a matter of fact, it would probably be best if you didn’t say them. But that doesn’t mean you can’t know what they are.

Vegans Need To Stop

I don’t give a shit what anybody eats. If you don’t want to eat meat, more power to you and more meat for me. I don’t care. Just like with religion, I don’t care what you do with your life, but once you start preaching it on me, then we have a problem. I’m well aware of the both of you, and if I wanted either of you in my life, I’LL make that call.

However, recently Vegans have decided that we should take meat words out of our dialect. In other words, we should stop saying phrases like “you’re a chicken” or you’re “bringing home the bacon.”

Are these people out of their fucking minds? They’re just phrases. These phrases became phrases for a reason. I’m not sure about the chicken one, considering chickens are mean bastards, but “bringing home the bacon” comes from back in the old days when people were pilgrims n such. Back then bacon was expensive, so if you made enough money to buy it, you were bringing home the bacon. You didn’t even actually have to be bringing home the bacon, it just meant you were making good money, so technically it had nothing to do with meat even back then.

But that phrase has been around since then. Hundreds of years. It has survived that long being a phrase meaning the same thing, you’re making good money. You can stop saying it if you want, but it has survived hundreds of years of dialect changes. I’m sure it will last long after you’re gone.

Terrible Commercials: Gold Star Chili – Small Batch Chili

Here in Cincinnati we have Cincinnati style chili. The two leaders in that are Skyline Chili and Gold Star Chili, though there are dozens of others who make their own version, and locally people argue as to whose is the best.

Personally I’m a Skyline fan, though I can’t turn down any Cincinnati style chili. It’s all good to me. However, Gold Star, who has been battling it out with Skyline as top chili in Cincinnati, recently put out a commercial that in and of itself isn’t so much terrible as it is misleading.

This small batch chili campaign has put forth a couple bits of info, such as they only make their chili in small batches, and that their chili is fresh, never frozen.

That’s great, but if they’re insinuating that theirs is unique because of that, they got another thing coming. I’ve worked for two different Skyline Chili’s and as far as what I know goes, no chili was ever frozen. So I don’t know who that’s aimed at, unless it’s not aimed at anybody and the guy just so happened to say it. I just don’t know why it needed to be said.

And, if Gold Star makes less chili in a day than Skyline does, then how are they staying in business? And why would they be proud of the fact that they sell less chili if they’re trying to be the top dog in the city? Otherwise, they make the same amount as Skyline, which means either Gold Star ISN’T small batch chili, or Skyline is also.

Just a bunch of advertising bullshit, and one that I caught as soon as I saw it. And I hate commercials to begin with, so when they’re full of bullshit, I’m going to catch it.